A great artist/man/woman/etc...

Is always in the process of becoming.

What a bummer that is.

I'm not sure where I first heard that phrase, but it is true, and wickedly so. It seems I have been waiting my whole life for something great to happen.

In my admittedly rather shallow dabbling with Zen Buddhism, we talked about our Western Civilization, which is sick in many senses of the word. What this country teaches you is this, and you'll know what I'm talking about - "I'll be happy when ________." Whether this is a new car, a new lover, being out of school, being out of debt, it is all about being outside of the moment you are in. The future.

Of all the philosophies I've looked at, I think I agree most with Zen Buddhism. Although I am non-practicing. Which, when you think about it, is the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do with Buddhism.

Meditating, mindfulness - it is that which I think I am weakest, and would most like to be.

In fact, if you are willing to listen to stock advise from my mother-in-law, who is not a stockbroker but does watch a lot of TV, the entire economy is based on it. We abandoned the "gold standard," the foundation of our economy, to trade in "futures." Predicting the future and buying/selling accordingly.

Now growth is important, important to strive for and aim at. There is nothing wrong inherently with dreaming of a better tomorrow. But with tomorrow being a shiny Lexus, it sure does make the Dodge Dart today seem shoddy by comparison.

And that's what sucks. By all measures I had a wonderful day today. Breakfast with my family, some personal business that went well, and then a walk in the park with my son (a beautiful 4-year old boy, counting my blessings) and our in-law's dog. We fed some ducks, and then at his request we laid back and watched the clouds. We hung out in the shade of a tree and watched the planes go by.

And yet I am haunted by the ghost of tomorrow. Heaven, hell, or most likely more of the same, only different. Limbo, and not the fun dance where you shimmy under a stick.

I've been a student pilot for some time now. I am working my way through the hoops - I am on my instrument training now, and it seems to be going good. But fear lingers.

It is a time of desperation. My wife and my new baby approaches. I am pushing 33 (some will gasp, some will laugh, depending on if they live North or South of that border). Debt load is huge. I have no idea how I am going to pull off the next year, with the new baby, the full time job, the wife, the house we are renting, the school, the 4-year old. Not to mention a lawsuit. It is a logistical nightmare.

I have no resolution to this, and won't for a long time. I don't see any of this changing fast, and tomorrow - will have to wait. Until then, I hope to close my eyes tonight and see a boy, a dog, a beautiful blue sky with white vapor mist, and a shady spot to step out of time and touch eternity. Be here now.

P.S. My wife once lost her book "Be Here Now." I said "Forget about it." A way-homer for you.